I remember bringing Samson home in a box. He whimpered and cried and screeched and managed to keep climbing is little self out of that box. It was the cutest thing I had seen in a long time and I sang to him, and tried to sooth him all the while trying to get us home safely. I imagined doing this a million times with the baby I just knew God would bless us with, this time…
My husband Craig and I have tried to have a baby for the past 4 years now, well since the day we said “I do”. We got nothin…not even a false alarm, just silence. So the past year we decided to engage a specialist and it has been a long road. A few weeks ago the time had finally arrived for us to start Intrauterine Insemination, for short IUI. It all felt so medical and not sexy at all, but if it meant I got to bring my baby home in a box, well a car seat like Samson it was all well worth it. You must realize I am writing this with a lot of hormones probably still pumping through my body, so if I have extra mush, cut me some slack people, lol. Speaking of shots, daily for like a week, and then there was the trigger shot, talk about off the charts hormones and crying and yelling and..well…my husband and son love me, let’s just leave it there.
So back to the baby in a box, I know car seat, I had it all planned, she would be a girl, I had started looking at maternity clothes online, thinking of which neighbor I thought would make a great day care provider. I had it all planned. Even how I was going to announce my growing bump on Facebook. It would finally be my chance to show all my friend and loved ones how me and my husband created something totally awesome together. Well right as I was about to order my baby stroller on eBay, Mother Nature decided to remind me that God also has a plan, and in true fashion we are not on the same page.
So now my husband and I need to go back to the drawing board, our source, and find out, are we creating an office or a babies room, Lord! the suspense is killing me!! I debated on sharing a blog about something so private, personal and close to my heart, but we need your prayers and as we follow God’s plan. Wether it be to do another IUI, or several, try invitro, or adopt a child, or lastly no child at all, I have to be able to share this journey. Will I not let my faith waiver as I experience rejection and heartache in this arena? Even now I am trying not to be angry or frustrated. I remember this football movie I saw years ago and the coaches wife wanted a baby so bad that it made her start to loose faith. As she faced another rejection she went out to her car and wept and said “Lord if it is no, I will still serve you!”, and then a clerk came running out to tell her her no was actually a yes and she was pregnant and the test were mixed up. It was like her finally surrendering was when God answered, sometimes I am scared if I surrender it will still be no! wooh I am getting deep now.
My mother-in-law sent this to me yesterday and I will end this blog here. “For I hold you by your right hand- I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.” Isaiah 41:13